niedziela, 2 sierpnia 2015

Penpalling (aka life) crisis.

It has been a while since I posted my last entry here. I'm not sure whether you notcied it or not, but this "it has been a while" thing is one of my favourite ways to begin my blog posts with. I'm such an original person, I know... Anyway, I didn't come here to tell you about my uniqueness but penpalling crisis, that caught me in the middle of nowhere and doesn't want to set me free. 
I feel I'm slowly reaching this point of treating penpalling as a chore. After being completely caught up, I landed with a pile of 10 letters which are so wonderful, I wish I could reply to all of them at once, but it's impossible. At the same time I'm blocked. I feel the inner pressure, I'm dealing with a real ocean of insecurities, fear of disappointing my penfriends who mean the world to me... 
I'm active on social media. Especially on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Every single day I'm skimming over all of these beautiful, inspiring pictures of letters received and sent. Everybody is dealing with mailpile and I'm here, doing nothing, just watching how the pile of letters is getting bigger. I know penpalling isn't a job, a chore and so on, and I shouldn't be looking at it like that. I know penpalling is about friendship, the special and unique connection between two kindred spirits, that it's a way of life and a real friendship can't feel like a chore, that each letter arrives ON TIME no matter how long one takes to reply but still... something doesn't seem to fit its place anymore. 

I've already got kind of an experience so I know that when penpalling isn't a joy for me, I should take it easy and focus on other aspects of my life - reading, travelling... and this is what I have been doing lately. I discovered books by Colleen Hoover and I've started reading my third book of hers. I'm wondering how I would like reading her books in English. Anyway I have to admit that the Polish translation is quite interesting. I organized a bunch of little trips to Cracow, to mountains and around the area I live in. I feel inspired and blocked at the same time. 
 I still remember that special trip to Wrocław and Opole. I was all on my own, without money, with a couple of sandwiches I managed to prepare at home, without a plan. I slept over at a girl-I-met-on-camp's place, I didn't know her well but she offered me a comfortable place and food - for nothing, for a simple "thank you". Then I could enjoy my first time in Opole. I was discovering the city I had never been to before. Everything was fresh and new, every street, every green spot, every building. I admired what I could see, I found a nice bench at the river that crosses the city. I read a beautiful book by Nicholas Sparks while sunshines cuddled my face. I was free of social media, money... Thas special day will always be in my heart. It was such a precious moment...

Now my heart is full of stimuli - I have to find a place to live in Cracow, I have to prepare for another year at Uni, I have to deal with a distance relationship, I have to be a good penfriend (stop - I WANT TO BE A GOOD PENFRIEND), I'm afraid of being left by my friends, I'm afraid my relationship might end while he is far away, I'm afraid of failing at Uni again, I'm afraid of more depression phases, I'm afraid of world war, of the end of the world, of terrorists. I'm tired of my constant fights with mum, I'm tired of lies, I'm tired of insecurities, of dealing with bureaucracy on my own, of having no money...

I'm not sure what's the point of writing it all here but I'm too lazy to delete it right now. Instead I will just click the orange button and let you all see what has been in my heart these days. 

3 komentarze:

  1. My dear Edii,

    I know you're (hopefully) fast asleep right now and I wanted to leave you this comment so you'll wake up to something nice. Something non-judgemental.

    I love how honest and open hearted you have typed this blog entry, it shows how busy and worried your brain and heart has been lately. It's rare that people write so openly about important things like you just did. Always remember though, that your blog is public to the whole world and not everyone who comes across your blog means well with you and might be very harsh or judgemental about it. But this is not the reason as to why I wanted to leave you a comment.

    When you re-read the part of what you have been worrying about, you may realize that you have absolutely no control over most of these things. Neither do I, neither does anybody else in this world. All you can do is hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. That's what they say. You are a good friend to everyone and you know how much I care about you. Like I said earlier via WhatsApp, I wish my letter would hurry up and be at your house tomorrow morning already, because I wrote a lot about this subject in there. I just wish for you to sit back for a while and just let things happen, because we can't control them anyway. I'm talking about you being afraid of your friends leaving you. If they want to leave, they will do it anyway. No matter what you say. And that is okay. We're not meant to get along or be friends with everyone we ever meet. The good friends, your true friends, they will stay. They will stick around for a lifetime. They'll be few and you can probably count them on one hand, but one day you will realize that this is what truly matters. One or two real friends. But until then I wish for you to see and realize how special and unique you are. You have so much to give and offer. Just pleace, pick wisely who you're going to give and offer this to.

    There is so much more that I want to tell you right now, but I will keep this for tomorrow morning or my next letter. This is already long enough as it is.


  2. My dear Edii, I can't add anything more meaningful than what other precious friends already commented but I wanted to send you a hug and some caring thoughts. I wrote about some of the topics of this post in my letter so I won't repeat myself now. You know, the best way to keep a friend is to be a good friend yourself. But what does it mean to be a good friend? It's not the same for everyone and life can be so overwhelming that sometimes you just need to drift away and understand what's going on with you. Please don't let fears take over because the fear of something doesn't let you see the positiveness around you. Don't think about what and who you may lose but about how to feel balanced and like your life and the rest will come along. Wish you a more positive and more motivated new week. Lots of Love ❤️ Cristy

  3. You are not alone in this! We / I. Feel like this several times a year! So. , sleep is the healer, and quiet! Focus on your blessings and your power! One foot in front of the other.,,,,you are the pressure, and you can control it.
    Sharing made you feel better didn't it?
    Huge Canadian hugs! xDebi